I Had Values. I’d Just Never Defined Them

I want to live my life with intention.

I haven’t always seen it that way, but when I was asked what choices I would make if I only had a year left to live, I quickly realised I wasn’t clear on what I actually wanted.

I wasn’t clear on what I valued.

I knew in my gut, but I’d never spent the time to pay attention and understand it.

I guess you could say I drifted through adult life. A casual bent that gave me a certain level of approachability and resilience to drama. But looking back, it also meant I often waited for life to come to me, rather than actively moving towards it.

Don’t get me wrong, drifting through life can be fine. And I have certainly not turned into a productivity life-hacking obsessive. But as I get older (clear throat, 48), I’ve realised that I want more say in how I live and the direction my life takes.

I guess there is nothing like a classic midlife crisis to make you sit up and realise that things need to change.

So, what do I want?

Well, I want love in my life, love for myself and for those around me. I want to produce work that makes a difference. I want success. I want to be financially secure. I want peace. Adventure. Spontaneity. Control over my choices. More presence and connection with the world around me.

You could say I want a lot.

I am not alone.

However, saying I want success and defining what success means to me are two very different things. Just like saying we value family and defining what that means in our real, messy, day-to-day lives are completely different matters.

The values and meanings we apply to each area of life shape how we move through them.

It’s the definitions that unlock them and make them usable through our choices.

The clearer we see what matters, the clearer our choices become.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that crams other people’s ideas down our throats until we are gagging for air. It’s suffocating. But let’s not go there.

The point I am trying to make is that defining your values is key to living intentionally.

I don’t think we do a very good job of it.

The three layers of value definition

The truth is, I stumbled across this. But over time I’ve come to see values with a clearer eye, and I’ve shaped a definition that makes sense to me. I’ve moved from abstract terms to clearer, more personal meanings.

There are three layers to value definition. The first two were vaguely familiar to me, and probably reflect the language most of us use when we talk about values.

But it wasn’t until I defined the third layer that things began to change.

Layer 1 — Qualities

At our core are characteristics we all have in some form or another. Things like curiosity, compassion, honesty and discipline.

These qualities are broadly human, but they express themselves differently in each of us, shaping how we move through the world.

This is often the level we point to when we talk about values.

Layer 2 — Areas of life

Qualities can feel abstract because they are internal. We do not live in them. We live in the areas of life where they show up: family, health, relationships, work.

Family is not a value. It is where qualities such as compassion, connection, loyalty and presence are expressed.

Health is not a value. It is where qualities like discipline, responsibility, self-respect and honesty become visible.

These areas of life provide the context in which our values are lived.

Layer 3 — Meaning

This is the defining layer.

Meaning is created when we reflect on how those qualities show up across the different areas of our lives.

Our lives are unique, shaped by our experiences, emotions and environments. So the meaning we draw from them will be unique too.

The goal is not to collect impressive labels or place ourselves into neat categories. It is to understand, in our own words, what matters and why.

What does it feel like when these things are present in your life? What changes when they are missing?

If we want meaning, we need to define it for ourselves.

That means paying attention, observing, and reflecting.

Which takes time and patience.

This is not a life hack.

It is a way of living.

Defining this third layer has changed how I live my life.

Firstly, I realised that a lot of what I wanted I already had. I just couldn’t see it. Moments that mattered were happening all the time. They didn’t need to be profound or goal-oriented. Small sparks that lit me up were enough to make a day worthwhile. I just needed to know what to look for.

It has also become easier to make choices that put me in a better place. Drinking for the wrong reasons was a problem for me. Having more clarity about what joy alcohol brought to my life, and what it stripped away, has helped me make choices that align with the kind of life I want. I’ve been able to loosen the grip of old habits and ingrained patterns from my previous self.

Finally, regularly reflecting on my values helps me spot when I am drifting from things I need. I can actively prioritise neglected areas of life while understanding what I need from them and why. This doesn’t mean I live perfectly, but I can change course more quickly and with greater clarity. It means my life has a healthier balance of rich moments.

Layer 3 was missing in my life. Now that I understand it, I reflect on it regularly and make choices that align with it.

That is living with intention.