How It Works: 1. Define What Matters
How To Define Your Values
One of the most common questions people ask when they begin exploring values is:
“How do I figure out what my values actually are?”
It’s a fair question.
Most of us have a sense of what matters, but putting it into words can be surprisingly difficult. Faced with a list of hundreds of values, it’s easy to become overwhelmed or start choosing the words that sound good rather than the ones that genuinely resonate.
The good news is that values are rarely something we invent from scratch.
More often, they’re something we uncover.
They’re already present within our lives, quietly influencing what feels meaningful, frustrating, energising or important. The challenge is learning where to look.
Start With Meaningful Moments
One of the simplest ways to begin is by reflecting on moments that felt significant.
Not necessarily the biggest moments.
Just the ones that stay with you.
A conversation that left you feeling deeply connected. A walk that brought a sense of peace. A project that made you lose track of time. A decision that felt difficult but undeniably right.
Rather than focusing on the event itself, ask what made it meaningful.
What quality was being expressed?
Connection?
Creativity?
Freedom?
Growth?
Presence?
The experience is often the doorway. The value sits underneath it.
Pay Attention To Frustration
Values don’t only reveal themselves through positive experiences.
They often reveal themselves through tension.
Think about the situations that repeatedly frustrate you. The behaviours that irritate you. The moments that leave you feeling disappointed, drained or uncomfortable.
Frustration is often a clue that something important has been compromised.
A person who values honesty may struggle with dishonesty. Someone who values freedom may feel trapped by unnecessary control. A person who values connection may feel unsettled by shallow relationships.
When something consistently bothers us, it’s often worth asking what value might be sitting beneath that reaction.
Example: What Tension Can Reveal
For a long time, I thought my frustration with alcohol was primarily about health. But the more I reflected on it, the more I realised that what bothered me most was the impact it had on other areas of my life. It dulled my enthusiasm for creativity, made it harder to maintain healthy routines and often left me feeling disconnected from the person I wanted to be. The tension wasn’t really about alcohol. It was revealing values that mattered to me more deeply.
Notice Who You Admire
The qualities we admire in others can tell us a lot about ourselves.
Think about the people you respect.
Not because of what they’ve achieved, but because of how they move through the world.
Perhaps you admire somebody’s courage. Their kindness. Their creativity. Their willingness to remain calm under pressure.
The qualities that draw us towards others often point towards qualities that matter to us too.
They may not all become personal values, but they can provide useful clues.
Look For Recurring Themes
By this point, patterns often begin to emerge.
Certain qualities appear again and again across meaningful moments, frustrations and admired people.
Maybe freedom keeps showing up.
Perhaps it’s creativity, connection, curiosity or peace.
Don’t worry too much about finding the perfect words.
At this stage, you’re simply looking for recurring themes.
The goal isn’t certainty.
The goal is awareness.
Begin Defining What They Mean
Once you’ve identified a handful of values, resist the urge to stop there.
As we explored in The Three Layers of Value Definition, the word itself is only the starting point.
The real value lies in the meaning behind it.
What does freedom mean to you?
What does connection look like in your life?
How do you recognise peace when it’s present?
The more personal the definition becomes, the more useful it becomes.
A value gains meaning through experience, reflection and attention. It becomes connected to memories, emotions, decisions and everyday moments.
Over time, what began as a word starts to feel more like a trusted guide.
Values Are Revealed, Not Invented
It’s tempting to believe that defining your values requires finding the perfect list or choosing the right words.
In my experience, it rarely works that way.
Most values are already present in our lives.
They’re hidden within the moments that matter, the tensions we experience and the qualities we recognise in ourselves and others.
The work is not creating them.
The work is noticing them.
The more attention you pay, the clearer they become.
And once you know what matters, it becomes much easier to build a life that reflects it.
Reflection
Looking back over the past few months, which moments keep calling for your attention?
There is a good chance your values are already hiding there.
Next Step
Why Reflection Matters (Coming Soon)
Once you’ve identified what matters, the challenge becomes staying connected to it. Reflection is the bridge between knowing your values and living them.